One of my favorite books is titled "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. I encourage any woman (any age) who has lost a mother to read this book.
I feel so much but don't know how to put it into words, but I feel that I must. It's been 9 years since Mom died. I hate the term 'passed away'. Let's face it, she died - and it sucks. Cancer sucks!
I wish I knew Mom as a person. Being almost 17 years old, I only knew Mom as Mom. Though she shared a lot with me, I still feel that I never got to see her as a real person. We experienced things together, but she experienced them as an adult. That's very different than seeing it through a child's/teen's eyes.
There are so many things I wish I could have talked to her about: prom, my first serious boyfriend, graduation, sex, college, getting engaged, getting married, living abroad, marriage, etc. What kind of advice would she give me? Would she be able to help me in only the way a mother can?
I watched an episode of "Parenthood" tonight, and like I do during every episode, I cried. This particular one had a scene where one of the characters had to get chemo for the first time. I wasn't there for Mom's first chemo treatment, or any of them for that matter. Yes, she had many, many friends to help and support her along the way, but how scary that must have been. I always wonder if there was anything I should have done differently.
I do remember the moment I realized Mom was probably going to die. It was the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep. I went into the living room and picked up some pamphlets lying around. One was about the stages of death. I could pick out which stage Mom was in. It wasn't long after that, that she went into the hospital and never left. That was the longest week of my life. Even though I knew it was going to happen, I didn't let myself thing about it. I'm pretty sure I blocked out a lot of this time period because I don't remember a lot. I don't remember being in her hospital room a lot. I remember thinking that I could not get behind on homework. Denial?! I remember wishing she would die. She was in a lot of pain and I didn't want that for her. I remember her last breathe. I also remember feeling very lost after that.
It wasn't fair! It isn't fair!
I want to give her a hug. I want to see her laugh.
Yes, 9 years have gone by. Yes, it has gotten easier with time. There are days when she doesn't cross my mind. But, there are also days when I can't get her out of my mind and I am flooded with emotions. I miss her! I am thankful to have such a loving and supportive group of family, friends, loved ones, family friends, etc. I love hearing stories about Mom and comments about what a great person she was. Those are what makes the tough days easier.
Well, my thoughts are everywhere right now. I should probably stop writing before it gets hard to read.
Love you and miss you, Mom!
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